35

Make the implicit explicit; speak the unspoken.

The sand is cooling my feet as it grounds me in the present moment.

The sound of the waves crashing on the rocks synchronized with my heartbeat, I gazed onto the horizon only to feel God smiling back at me.

The sunrise, this time, is behind me as I face the expansiveness of the Pacific Ocean.

The Ferris wheel in the distance to my right serves as a reminder that I am living a spiritual life in a human experience.

Suddenly, as I put down the book and my journal keeping me company, my body begins to experience something completely new yet strangely familiar.

A certain strange thought began to stir inside me. A whisper.

It began to flood my heart in that instant with a hot jet of blood which had suddenly boiled up from the influx of a mighty sensation which until now had been unknown to me.

In that moment, as it were, I understood something which up to that time had only stirred in me but had not as yet been fully understood.

I saw clearly, presently, into something new, a completely new world, unfamiliar to me and known only through some obscure, certain divine sign.

I feel that in those precise minutes, my real existence began . . .

My life flashed before my eyes but not of what was but rather what will be.

At this very moment, I began to comprehend, regardless of my understanding, that the human experience opens up to those who make the implicit, explicit.

The Human Experience: Most People are Born but Never Live.

With this experience integrated within me, I feel, in the depths of my soul, that all the years prior were the preparations that have, whether I understand it or not, brought me to this first day of my existence.

My truth is simple: I am not perfect but I continue to live a perfectly beautiful, magical, divine and extreme human experience.

I’ve surfed the greatest of Life’s waves, and crawled through the darkest of thoughts, and through it all, I’ve had but a few regrets. As Frank Sinatra once sang, “Too few to mention.”

As I feel my way through life, I am now in celebration of every moment I’ve ever experienced.

In my 35 years, I’ve lived a life full of color, magic, and miracles.

I’ve felt every emotion possible. Deeply.

From fear to Faith, from sorrow to joy, and everything in between each of these emotions in my life has transformed themselves into Muses. Each brings their own wisdom.

Every moment felt. Each moment shared. Those moments that were felt through a shared experience have become the Teachers of my life.

There have been times when I’ve fallen short of my standards; I’ve been the source of pain, of hurt, of sorrow, and disappointment– this isn’t a call to vindicate my actions but rather to share with you that my life is far from perfect. In those moments I learned who I did not want to be. In that darkness I found God showing me the path towards who I am becoming.

On the other side of the same coin, I’ve been the source of joy, of love, of celebration, of growth and frankly everything in the spectrum of life. That is my Truth.

And as I reflect into the future, I recognize that the most cherished moments, as they were, were the ones where the unspoken was spoken.

The depth of being witnessed, of being loved, and being celebrated has always been preceded, whether it’s accepted or not, by the moment when our thoughts and feelings jolt their Truth through our spoken word.

Looking back, I see that the moments that made me feel small or I did not show up fully present were the moments where I did not embrace the human experience of honoring my truth.

Mortality.

Paradoxically the moment on the beach was the result of a divine recipe of trusting my intuition, living fully, a Muse handing me a key to a door that I didn’t know needed to be open, and expressing my truth.

And in that truth, I found that Life has begun to blossom because of, not in spite of, my acceptance of mortality.

Two years ago, I wrote my eulogy.

That moment has since birthed a new version of me.

The version that has always known that Life is Love. That Beauty Matters. That speaking your truth liberates you; expands you, and unintentionally inspires others to do the same–which can be overwhelming (I know it has been for me at times). That living in ‘what if’ is for those who, unbeknownst to them, are actually already dead.

Because of this, I’ve been misunderstood, outcasted, and made fun of.

And similarly, because of this, I’ve been able to feel the deepest of sorrows, the greatest of joys, Musings, and blessings, connections of depth and breadth. In the abyss of my soul, God as my witness, I know I have lived a full life– a felt experience.

Today, if I were to pass, I know I am fulfilled.

Life.

Life is blossoming at 35. It is a field full of wildflowers and groomed gardens. Beauty radiates from the very experience of being me. God knows that words fail me here.

In this life, through my faith and God, every time I’ve opened up magic has, in her own grace and timing, encapsulated my human experience with Love.

And I am once again reminded that:

Life, in her grandiose blessing, favors those who speak the unspoken.

Old soul. New World.

In the midst of living life, I’ve always had an intuitive, unexplainable feeling that I am an old soul living in this new world.

My life is rich in Romance.

My life is Love.

My life is expanding.

My life is founded on Faith.

My life is abundant.

My life is evidence that God exists.

If as you read this, like me, you find yourself asking, what about the business side of you? What about the family side of you?

Well, that is really it. I am okay with being misunderstood. I’ve accepted that I am not for everyone– that the miracles and expansiveness of life are nurtured by authenticity.

In my authenticity, I, through finding my Truth with God’s guidance, divorced myself from balance— and at that moment, I began to nurture Harmony.

I am here to Live an Extreme Life. Rich with ups, downs, heartful, heartbreaks, failures, and massive Wins, late nights, early mornings, laughter that leads to crying, and eye gazes that pierce the soul by simply being witnessed– because of, not in spite of.

When I accepted my extremity– harmony showed up at my door.

The Lion and the Gazelle.

The hurricane and the rainbow.

Nature is never balanced.

She’s always in harmony.

By welcoming harmony into my heart, I have found within me the greatest of peace. The deepest of understanding. And a conviction in my Faith knowing that my purpose in life is to fulfill the vision of Service for, through, and with God.

In this harmony, new parts have been birthed: The Father. The Servant. The Lover. The Husband. And The Anointed.

Meaning into life.

Sitting in Tokyo while authoring this piece with an open heart, I find myself deep in gratitude for every moment that has ever made me feel because, regardless of my understanding, those were the experiences that engrained meaning in my life.

The moments of Joy.

The moments of Love.

Where I spoke my truth to her.

Where I held a mirror for him.

When my tongue quivered with the weight of an embarrassing Truth only to be celebrated for speaking it.

When showing up was all I could do.

When surviving was the only method of being.

When taking ownership and responsibility for my life.

When I put the noose around my neck, only for my dad to show up early at home.

When driving hours out of your way just to bring donuts to a friend just have an excuse to give them a hug.

Where the Muse became the Siren.

Where Love created a way out of no way.

Each one of those moments has sowed meaning into my human experience.

Rather than asking questions and relying on my need for certainty, I find myself fully present— but not just being.

Expanding.

As a gardener knows, the blossom of a flower is best nurtured to take nature’s course.

“Nature never rushes and she’s always on time,” I remind myself.

Days after witnessing, experiencing, dreaming, creating, clarifying, praying, playing, and most importantly embracing… I found myself in conversation with God walking through the art-filled streets of LA only for him to whisper into my heart: “Look up.”

I see the sign. Clear as day.

Life is blossoming.

I am the gardener of my soul.

My wish for you.

My wish at 35 is that you may find a Muse in your life. The Muse that carries the key that perfectly fits the lock in your heart which opens you up to the visceral human experience. Once opened you’ll be able to navigate the depth and breadth of life in the most vibrant and magnificent experiences with full expression of love.

Just like I have.

Don’t sell your soul to the complacent– Make the implicit explicit; speak the unspoken.

One thing I know to be true, confirmed by God and Love:

I simply don't fit into the category of staid and conventional people.

Alej

XXIV VIII MMXXIII

Shibuya, Tokyo

Listening to Debussy.